Keeping Cold Callers Entertained

Caller: “Thank you. May I ask which age bracket you fall into?”

Me: “50-60, but I’ve been told I’m not likely to make it into the next bracket.”

Caller: “Oh. Can I ask, are you married?”

Me: “I was married. Up until two weeks ago. My wife left me for my best friend, Malcolm.”

Caller: “Do you own your own home?”

Me: “I did. But my wife wants me out. Her and Malcolm are moving in on Tuesday week.”

Caller: “Do you own a car?”

Me: “Repossessed. Couldn’t pay. I own a bike. I say, ‘own’. It’s Malcolm’s
 – he’s going to want it back any time soon, I suppose.”

Caller: “Any pets?”

Me: “A cat. Wilf.”

Caller: “Pet insurance?”

Me: “No need. I’m looking at Wilf’s freshly dug grave. Dug it myself two days ago. Rest in peace, Wilf.”

Caller: (pause). “Have you had an accident in the past three months that wasn’t your fault?”

Me: “Yes. No.”

Caller: “What type of accident was it, please?”

Me: “It was my own fault, actually. No one to blame. I lost my left leg just below the knee.
I’m having a new fitting tomorrow morning.”

Caller: “Okay, well, that concludes all of the questions I have for you today.”

Me: “Do you have to go? I can answer more questions if you like. I haven’t spoken to a soul in three days.”

Caller: “Thank you for co-operation...”

Me: “Please don’t leave...    "

My Fourth Christmas Card Of 2015

'Flow' by Gerhard Richter.

Weather Envy

I never understood why people went on holiday
-for many years I was too poor to think.
My life was about enduring cheapness.
My travels were on short bus journeys
or hitching local lifts. I made many 'friends'
temporarily with generous people who had drove
when I could not. But now I get it. I surely do,
when others wander abroad from colder climes
to warmer places they are inspired by Weather Envy.

The Politics Of Trauma

We call it 'Politics' when we petrify
the suffering of The Worthy Few from the past
into a drive to transform present day society,
and to this add the paradox of our countries rich
trading with 'our enemies' whilst the popular press
proclaim the nation's hatreds in lurid headlines.

But patriotic anger always burns out
-reinventing itself as anger and exhaustion
and we surprise ourselves with the novelty
of how we create a new 'unworthy poor'.

My Third Christmas Card Of 2015

'The Soft Machine' by Gerhart Richter

A Prayer Of Humility

I thank thee Lord I am not a fundamentalist.
I thank thee that I don't know The Holy Book
of my country from back to front, and back again.
I thank thee that for not knowing such material
there is little I can quote to hide my insecurities.
I thank thee Lord that I cannot become defensive
via theologically illiteracy for being self-miseducated.
I thank thee that for having few excuses to hide behind
I have had to learn to know myself in all my fragilities
and learn it all quite carefully-from the inside. Amen.

Obligations

Humans have many means of exchange
with which to raise each other up
or pull each other down
and the most powerful
of all of them has to be guilt.