Me: “50-60, but I’ve been told I’m not likely to make it into the next bracket.”
Caller: “Oh. Can I ask, are you married?”
Me: “I was married. Up until two weeks ago. My wife left me for my best friend, Malcolm.”
Caller: “Do you own your own home?”
Me: “I did. But my wife wants me out. Her and Malcolm are moving in on Tuesday week.”
Caller: “Do you own a car?”
Me: “Repossessed. Couldn’t pay. I own a bike. I say, ‘own’. It’s Malcolm’s
– he’s going to want it back any time soon, I suppose.”
Caller: “Any pets?”
Me: “A cat. Wilf.”
Caller: “Pet insurance?”
Me: “No need. I’m looking at Wilf’s freshly dug grave. Dug it myself two days ago. Rest in peace, Wilf.”
Caller: (pause). “Have you had an accident in the past three months that wasn’t your fault?”
Me: “Yes. No.”
Caller: “What type of accident was it, please?”
Me: “It was my own fault, actually. No one to blame. I lost my left leg just below the knee.
I’m having a new fitting tomorrow morning.”
Caller: “Okay, well, that concludes all of the questions I have for you today.”
Me: “Do you have to go? I can answer more questions if you like. I haven’t spoken to a soul in three days.”
Caller: “Thank you for co-operation...”
Me: “Please don’t leave... "
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