I have often been aware of being drawn
towards ideas and people I know I don't want,
and I would not not know how to handle
were I immersed in them. And yet....
I continue to be both drawn and repelled.
A close friend who has PTSD understands this well,
and calls my condition 'repetitve brain injury',
where the brain repeats the injury caused to it
long ago as if acting out old emotive memories,
of injury simultaneously caused and denied.
He often feels himself retreating from situations
when the perfectly legal misbehavior of certain people
did him a damage he can neither repent of, nor forget.