When I was a young homosexual,
I had no language for how to talk about it.
But if I tried to develop a conversation
around how I felt, then I could count
on getting any one of three responses,
though for all the technical differences
between them they amounted to one;
'We don't have to pay attention to you.'.
The first fate was invisibility,
my first experience of this
happened to me at age 11
after I was sexually assaulted.
You don't need the details for that,
but let me assure you; it happened.
The second response was
'sloppy conversion therapy',
where when I lead the conversation
in one direction, I am overwhelmed
by the insistence of who I am talking with,
such that I neglect my condition of 'being gay'
to make them feel better about
them not having any helpful answers.
The third fate was 'free invisibility',
where the phrase by St Augustine
'Love God and do as you like'
was adapted to secular purpose,
as if all means and every goal was noble.
I was free to do as I pleased
as long as I accepted
that there was no language
for the intimacies of my choice.
All that was left to be safe
was sex in public toilets
in some sort of sexual guerrilla action.
I write all this, it was a few short decades ago.
But recently I was reminded of the old choices again;
These choices are what Russia is offering Ukraine.
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