When I was young my homosexuality
consisted of searching for descriptions
of places that linked the bent of my nature
to where I felt at ease, accepted as bent.
Fantasy always meant imagined aggression,
and the asexual transactions of 'the real world'
suggested something more closed than they said.
Homosexuality was tied in with masculinity,
and how both worked was opaque and hidden.
But any male worthy of their status was Alpha
and their manhood was about triggering conflicts
in others that only the male triggering them could win.
I felt invisible, particularly when men covertly fought
over all that was not them-the better to subdue it to their will.
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